ES

never forget

2010-04-19T16:03:00.002-04:00

For my life rests on the turn of a blade
For my life rests on the touch of a feather
For my life is no longer my own.

-The Descent of Inanna

inadequate

2010-04-19T15:57:00.002-04:00

That's ME
That's how i feel...

i want to
RUN
run...run...run...

so what next?

where is home?

2010-04-15T10:46:00.004-04:00

Sometime you just don't know.
Today is one of those times. A slight aching feeling.
Tiredness? Maybe.
Needs that go unfulfilled, one after another... i'm neglecting myself.

i'm tired.
Too many changes. Too many criticisms. Too little love.

This is not my home.

punctuation

2010-04-08T21:26:00.004-04:00

I hold my breath.
Rest.
Stop.
Property.
Silence.
.
Do-not-breathe

Commas, which comes after every thought.

what's wrong with me?

2010-04-08T21:04:00.003-04:00

The way i type,the way i talk to myself, my jealousy, my fear of failure,my dry eyes, my naps,my body not made for caresses and soft kisses, my scent-lessness,my scars, my embarrassment, my English, my uncertainty, my inability to say "i need..."

enough.i miss... i miss... i miss...
i remember the feeling.
i miss words.

who is worthy of words... of desire... of time... of...

in Virginia

2010-04-07T15:11:00.002-04:00

Here for three weeks.
.
.
.
after? i guess we'll see

nice if you find it

2010-04-07T15:05:00.003-04:00

"When love is accompanied with deep intimacy,
it raises us to the highest level of human experience.
In this exalted space, we can surrender our egos, become
vulnerable and know levels of joy and well-being unique
among life experiences. We attain a glimpse of the rapture
that can be ours. Boundaries are blurred, there are no
limitations and we rejoice in union. We become one and,
at the same time, both...."
-Leo Buscaglia-

i think i made an important decision.

i was wrong

2010-04-07T14:10:00.003-04:00

decisions... decisions...
Hard, but not impossible.

So why don't i?

What you want kitty?

Everything... and nothing.

just because

2010-04-04T08:37:00.003-04:00

I love you
like dipping bread into salt and eating
Like waking up at night with high fever
and drinking water, with the tap in my mouth
Like unwrapping the heavy box from the postman
with no clue what it is
fluttering, happy, doubtful
I love you
like flying over the sea in a plane for the first time
Like something moves inside me
when it gets dark softly in Istanbul
I love you
Like thanking God that we live.

-N. Hikmet-

ESsence

2010-04-02T01:36:00.003-04:00

Essence :
a : the permanent as contrasted with the accidental element of being
b: the individual, real, or ultimate nature of a thing especially as opposed to its existence
c: the properties or attributes by means of which something can be placed in its proper class or identified as being what it is
- from Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary-

is it possible to describe oneself with one word ?

of birthdays

2010-03-31T07:41:00.006-04:00

i'm going to spend my birthday alone.
It's not the celebration that matter, i can let somebody take me out to lunch get a bit tipsy like i have done the past two years,then got home in front of this screen and chatted with virtual men, two years two different potential lovers/partners.
Apparently i'm a really sexy fantasy.
There is a man in my life, but i still will spend the day alone(maybe this should tell me, as reality i'm not as great as fantasy me, but better don't dwell on that, not today at least).
i don't know why it makes me sad, i'm not much for celebration, unless i am drunk, i don't particularly care about being drunk. i never felt like spending the time having sex with someone that didn't matter (emotionally speaking) on my birthday.Maybe cause it only serves as a reminder of what isn't there.
Maybe that's it a day that everybody says you are supposed to matter... you have to face it alone wondering if you'll ever truly grow up.
i think i will go sit on the beach, dreaming that i was a fish.

image N. Ceccoli

leaving the past where it belongs...

2010-03-15T17:23:00.002-04:00

i can't understand why my ex lovers, my ex potential lovers, my ex they-thought-they-were-potential-lovers, keep popping up in my life.
Even my last ex, that told me many time how nothing of me was good enough, keep trying calling me (although i'm starting to think is pathological).
Funny, especially in the case of the potential lovers , how most likely they were the one finding something that looked more interesting.
Usually, 99% of the cases, my ego doesn't permit me to consider anything of value with these people.
As for ex lovers, when a relationship is over i won't re-started it. Ever (yeah, i'm inflexible sometime).
The internet is complicating things, i mean now people i have not seen in ages, seem to think i want to jump on the "what could have been" wagon.
The past is past... it needs to be let go.

ripples

2010-03-13T20:59:00.002-05:00

This way of feeling of mine...deep inside,so encompassing... a nuisance really...
but maybe this is what i always seek... to weep and watch the tears falling on the page,melting and mingling with the ink...proof...to end up crying so hard to have to bite to muffle the sound.
Like throwing a rock into a pond...*plop*...in the middle of my gut... ripples of pain spread out in an expanding ring,slowly and violently pushing against my skin,push in in my head like it wants to split me open, escape,shape itself in a ribbon that coil around my body,and squeeze... till my body is shapeless,my bones crumble and i become pain...

consequences

2010-03-13T20:08:00.004-05:00

Actions and behaviours have consequences.
One can behave how see fit...

can you live with the consequences?

2010-02-03T18:09:00.004-05:00

In four years i learnt:
how to send text to the wind; to repress and keep inside (maybe i already learnt that earlier); to consecrate his choice; to remove myself in silence; to legitimate sadness; to chew me up and swallow me whole; to do my steps in reverse; to let go of dreams to survive reality... all the lesson he taught me.
i haven't picked up the phone, the ringer is off. Stupid woman i am, sometime i have the impulse to say "don't worry about me, i'm ok." Like he cares, or he ever cared. He is not a friend, he just wants to keep hurting me, and it's not healthy to think that's because he is hurting.
i'm free i wont let him undermine my confidence cause of my misplaced feeling of compassion.
There is a new man in my life, he tells me i'm beautiful, i don't really believe it.
He is polyamorous, in my judgmental monogamous moment i think polyamory is just an excuse to fuck a lot of people. But then maybe is a self-defense, i way of knowing inside that without the bond that for me can exist only between two people, i cannot get truly hurt by this man.

i still wish to be loved, to find someone that will love me as much as i do.
i guess i still didn't get over fairy tales.

peep show

2009-11-27T20:14:00.000-05:00

My soul. My little immense inside Universe.
Made of dark forests veiled in mist and mystery. Medieval dances on rocky shores. Empty sandy deserts that stretch beyond the horizon. Etruscan walls that sing of forgotten princes somersaulting over a bull. Sounds of empty Gothic cathedral , sacred and profane, watched by ruby eyes. Smell of incense, wax, stone, lavender and cool water... taste of sun ripened juicy figs, golden lemons, pepper and sea salt. A little girl dressed in a fake beaver fur coat ,with a gold pin shaped like a mouse dotted with pink Swarovski crystals the gold medal of a Madonna holding her child around her neck. A pain loving tiny beast that feed herself on desire calling out like a siren to incubi and demons to bathe in her tears.A bare footed nomad walking through lands crossing seas and sky, singing out of tune laughing and laughing at the sheer joy of being alive.

crack in the wall

2009-06-07T02:10:00.000-04:00

I'm still awake... i had a day of introspection after a brief date with the guy i like but not enough... what am i doing? i'm not really believing that will find somebody special... so why am i wasting time?
Is really that bad to be alone?
Well stupid question,yeah it is, I guess is when loneliness kicks in... but i guess my last relationship crippled me in ways i never could have imagined.
My brain says you are good enough, but somewhere inside this tiny voice keeps of repeating all the things i heard from the man i wish i never met.
Strange that... never in my life i would have thought to have that thought, to regret meeting someone, to regret loving... but was it love or some sick sort of stubbornness that didn't let me give up.
Self defeating... it's a slippery slope not falling into that... it took me to years to admit it to myself... the emotional masochist trap... i always feel so smug that i can actually control it... there you haven't,i didn't... it's a dangerous game, a mind fuck with the wrong person and you are falling into a pit that leaves you bruised scarred and changed in unpleasant ways that you couldn't possibly imagine.
Oh i learnt from the experience of course... was it worth it? No.

and to the first idiot that say "never regret anything" ... i say grow up and piss off!

feeling and not feeling...

2009-05-04T19:03:00.000-04:00

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
How is one supposed to feel when waiting to hear
if there is cancer?

east... west... north... south...

2009-05-03T00:38:00.000-04:00

This town is becoming a heaven for artists.People are moving here from Providence,New York,Boston... studios are popping up like mushrooms after the rain..
Maybe it was inevitable,the grayness of the background, the empty mills testament of old prosperous times... an infusion of color and creativity,brought in by the need of finding affordable space...
I'm wondering if the cost of living will go up...
I'm glad though,artists do go around other artists,the creative energy seems magnified.
I still don't know if I will stay, I really wish to find a place where I can put roots and finally stop wandering... where it is I have no idea...

(Tiny) new beginning

2009-04-25T19:45:00.000-04:00

Almost a year... i'm trying again.I'm a year older,not wiser,not great changes.
This is my journal,it won't make much sense but is OK... recording the days is somewhat comforting, gives a sense of permanence,of time traveling... i kept a journal most of my life, many entries are just sketches, quotes,short impressions... memory is not reliable, some times i'm truly puzzled at the significance those phrases held for me then... writing more,complete sentences i found is better, it is much more dependable... funny thing memory,it seems to protect us sometime.
When i read past entries,there are time i'm embarrassed,even if nobody else has read them... sometime i don't recognize myself at all... here i have the impulse of editing... but since i'm all alone in this corner of cyberspace i won't have to guard my thoughts... that is liberating,to be free to express the inner world,without the need to worry what other think...
i'm anonymous,even if i don't believe total anonymity exist... i'm a drop in the cyberspace ocean... it's an opportunity to discover who will remain when all the masks fall off... when all the necessary everyday personae are shed...
it's an opportunity to know myself better deeper to see if there is a facet that is a stranger to me too...
Yeah,i think this will be a good thing...

i hate airports... i really do...

2008-08-16T20:37:00.000-04:00

I've been waiting for my flight...i'm bored and i'm not looking forward to 9 hours cramped in a small space full of alien sounds and smell...you would think by now the would have invented transporters...
ah...i complain too much... and i use too many dots.
Tomorrow i'll be in sunny Tuscany...
So why am i not excited?

Solitude...

2008-07-04T18:11:00.000-04:00

When did i became so antisocial?... I don't like holidays...I feel this pressure to 'have fun' and invariably I wake up cranky ... however since my last relationship ended,my friends worry about me,a woman my age is expected to be married or if divorced like I am.at least to have kids... i never went the conventional way,but my being single and childless seem to make them uncomfortable,so they fix me up without telling me...if I'm invited at parties chances are that some single guy,to which I'm promptly introduced, is around...even the wife of my landlord has taken to point out other single tenants to me...
anyway,i don't want to be rude,or bombarded with "what's wrong?" phone calls...so I make an effort to show up...
I brought Tiramisu,that is one of the few dessert I know how to make...and with my best "see how happy I am" smile,I went to the BBQ... I don't care for BBQ,i dread them as much as I dread holidays...so I only ate corn on the cob...I pass on the Margaritas... had a beer... kept on checking the time...finally somebody said they needed rum...I volunteer to go to the liquor store...
Went back with the bottles of rum... chit-chat for what seemed an eternity (actually about 20 minutes)...I felt time to excuse myself, another 20 minutes of convincing the hostess,my friend Rach,that indeed I was fine and I really don't felt like waiting for the firework (who enjoy sitting in the midst of sweaty strangers looking at fireworks on a budget (that's how works in this town)?
Finally home...
It's the fourth of July and i really want to be alone...

2008-06-26T23:32:00.000-04:00

Today was a hard day... i realized that I'm too fragile for this world of smoke and mirrors...so i come here,in my private hidden corner of cyber space...i can put my sadness here,my tears,my disappointments...

The world is a stage...

2008-06-26T11:48:00.000-04:00

Some days i feel like telling everybody to go to hell.But it can't be done,so i "wear" my best smile,answer the phone,try to be polite and pleasant. But inside in this body that is me,I'm a mess of emotions that would like to cut out a little corner of solitude...without questions or demands.
Instead reality forces me to wear a mask and fashion roles to play according to the "scene" in which I'm called to play. Most of the times is a conscious choice,at times because i feel in charge of the situation I'm living,at times just to hide my insecurities. The result is that people that don't know me well have all different ideas about me,a multitude of contrasting things without continuity.Is the constant change in myself,but also the expression of the chameleon that lives inside me.
But we all do it,no? We are all "players",we wear masks,we all manage to be two or three personae.
Is this what it means "to be" ?
To be many people inside one body,so in the end be no one?
There are few ways out the problem of identity and of the masks we wear, maybe only two...death and lucid
madness {as in Pirandello's "One No one and One hundred thousand"}.
In short...it's hard,if not impossible to be always and everywhere "oneself"...
whatever this " to be oneself" means...

2:37pm 72 degrees Fahrenheit

2008-06-22T14:34:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about love lately.
I was looking at myself in the mirror and remember at time when women my age were 'old'.I remember looking with curiosity,spying with irrevent interest their bodies,the signs with which time [merciless isn't it?]marked them. Nothing in those women seemed to speak of love,passion,sex. In their 40's they were too old in my eyes.
I'm 45...now doesn't seems strange that life changes and we change with it.
Time consume the years...but not desires... those become more intense,more concious...they become need...
Need of love.Love of the mind.Love deep in the belly.Love of a whispered thought.Love of a secret to share.
Love of a meal to cook.Love of kisses to lick.Love of a bed wet with sweat and juices.Love of what we know.
At 45 we can love,i know now...
At 45 we can look for love...
Lost.Perverted.Crazy for love...and sometime filled with rage.
And this is me... this too... At 45.

wednesday 8:03am 73 degrees Fahrenheit

2008-06-11T07:48:00.000-04:00

I was blogging elsewhere,than a friend told me about this site... i figured why not?
Of course it will take me a while to work out how everything works,i'm not very good with computers.
English is my third language,i never formally studied it,so if bad grammar and poor spelling get your blood boiling,i guess this blog may dangerous to your health.
So it's a start...